Funny Quotes

As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

—Sir Norman Wisdom


“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”

—Jay Leno


“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

—George Burns


“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”



“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

—Robin Williams


“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

—Mark Twain


“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

—Oscar Wilde


“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”



“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

—Noel Coward


“Trying is the first step toward failure.”

—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

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