“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
—Joan Rivers
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
—Anonymous
“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”
—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
—Graham Norton
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
—George Carlin