Military Humor

  1. If it moves, salute it; if it doesn’t move, pick it up; if you can’t pick it up, paint it
  2. Any military project will take twice as long as planned, cost twice as much, and produce only half of what is wanted.
  3. If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike
  4. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small
  5. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything
  6. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush
  7. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets… printed at different scales
  8. Military Expert: One who tells you what’s going to happen tomorrow – then tells you why it didn’t
  9. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map
  10. We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction
  11. All other things being equal, the side with the simplest uniforms wins
  12. If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation
  13. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you’re ready for them / When you’re not ready for them
  14. A good many people feel that our present draft laws are unjust; these people are called soldiers

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