A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’
Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
If it weren’t for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.