These were the final words of Dr. Jose Rizal in his famous Spanish poem, “Mi Ultimo Adios”. I am not really a fan of our National hero, Jose Rizal, and I am not even familiar with his life, and I am not so convinced by his ideals in his life. It just so happened that I was forced to memorize this popular poem written by him, the “Mi Ultimo Adios” as part of our Spanish subject when I was in the high school seminary. Well, I also must admit that, in these last words in his poem, I find some truth in them as a person and as a Christian believer.
I have seen a lot of deaths in our community. Some of them were my parishioners, some of them were relatives and friends, and some of them were part of my immediate family. As a priest, I have delivered so many sermons about life and death and I even accuse myself of delivering the so-called “generic” sermons for those dead people whom I never had the chance to know personally.
These past few months, there were people who died, and they were part of the family where I belong. Some of them were part of my inner-circle of friends. Some of those who died were so young and some, of course, were old enough to rest forever.
I decided to write about death, not because of the death of some persons who were part of me, but because I was asking myself about my own death especially before I go to sleep. I do not know why I was asking me those questions on death, but maybe because of the unavoidable fact that I am growing old. My maintenance medicines continue to multiply and my body is no longer healthy like as it was before. Just last week, a fellow priest considered me as a member of the senior clergy already. Well, I think it is fair because I will be turning 23 years as a priest this coming August 22. How fast time flies indeed!
So, let me share with you some of my realizations and reflections on death. Death is a part of our existence and no one can ever escape the reality of death. Yes, we will all die one day in God’s given time. Fear of death is natural and normal because our basic instinct is always towards self-preservation. Fear of death is a consequence of loving or very self too much that we really do not welcome the idea that one day our life will end.
In our New Evangelization Pastorale (NEP) sessions, we will realize that the fear of death in caused by our love for our self. Fear is the opposite of having faith and trust in God, and so, fear of death simply means that God is not yet the center of our lives. It means that we have not yet really surrendered our whole life to Jesus Christ. Well, this is understandable given the fact that, as humans, we only have the capacity to love our own life and those who rightfully belong to us, both worldly things and people whom we care about.
Fear, worries and complexities in our decisions reflect our wavering faith. I presume that we will all claim to have faith in God. I do not see any contradiction about that, but the fact still remains and that is, we have faith, but we are still undecided regarding our seriousness in living out that faith. Most of us are Catholics but most of us are not yet worthy to be called real Christians.
I was prompted to write about death after I said mass at the wake of one of my aunts (tiya), the late Josefina Valeza Molina. I observed, during the mass, that her daughters were not showing any signs of sadness and none of them was crying. So, I told later after that mass that I was glad that they had accepted, with their whole heart, the passing away of their beloved mother. Their mother, Tiya Pining, died in her advanced age and her daughters had the time to prepare themselves for the sad reality of her death. They also had the chance to show her how much they loved her when she was still alive. Of course, they did not want her to leave, but they had their faith in God which helped them offer their mother to the Lord because she was tired and her age took it’s toll on her to finally rest and enjoy her reward in God’s kingdom. I feel happy for them and I believe that, soon, their pains and sadness will be over because they believe in God’s love and mercy.
On my end, though, I am still grieving my own mother’s death. Her untimely death, because of an illness, still haunts me every now and then. It was me who decided to not to resuscitate her on the night of her death. I loved her so much that is why I cannot bear to see her suffering anymore while living her life dependently on some machines. But what if my mother, during those crucial moments, wanted to tell me to let her live longer even if she is in pain? What if she wanted to be with us, her children, much longer and delay her death even if it entails suffering on her part? I did not have the chance to ask her, and she had no way also of telling me her wishes, because she was dying and unconscious.
Now, as the saying puts it: “Time heal all wounds”. I believe that time can really help us live our lives normally, once again, after all the storms that may have passed us by. My mother is now in a better place where suffering, sickness, problems, worries and fears have no place at all. She is back home with the Father because I know that she tried her best to cross the line from the Old Life to the New Life in Christ. She will always be the best mother for me, not because she was my biological mother, but because she gave her life for us, her children, as a self-less mother… a mother who was always ready to give her life away so that her children may have life.
Thank you, Mama, my love for you will never fade. I know that we will see each other again when the time comes for me to depart from this world. But for the moment that I am still here, please whisper to Jesus, our Lord, to protect me from all evils and see me through as I try my best to accomplish the mission that he gave me as a priest… May I have the courage to carry the cross on my shoulders, be nailed to it and die on it, because it is the surest way to be a part of his kingdom.