“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White

 

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton

 

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld

 

“Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” — Theodore Roosevelt

 

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers

 

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov

 

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ― Norman Wisdom

 

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” — Redd Foxx