“Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien

 

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

 

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

 

“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors”

 

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ― Erma Bombeck

 

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

 

“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” — Prince William

 

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

 

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda

 

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ― P. J. O’Rourke